Clowns Without Borders
October 23, 2009
So ’tis the Bank Holiday, you’re broke/flush/hungover/raring for a piss up/happy/sad. Whatever.
Of all the things you do this weekend, the drinks you slug, the food you gobble, the boys you slurp, put 15 quid into a safe pocket and come to Whelan’s on Tuesday night. You will not only be granted a personal audience with myself but you’ll get to see all this shit. And the money goes to send clowns to cheer up displaced small people all over the world. Think of the kids and cop on. We’ll have a gala.
Whelans of Wexford Street.
CLOWNS WITHOUT BORDERS FUNDRAISER
TUESDAY OCTOBER 27TH
Clowns Without Borders are a small bunch who do clown shows for have-not kids in the world. They need cash so Cathy Davey, Neil Hannon, Maeve Higgins, David O’Doherty, The Rubberbandits, Warlords of Pez & special guests are gonna come play for you on this school night. Get on.
Tickets: €15 plus booking fee
Doors: 8pm
Battle Royale meets Electric Picnic
July 3, 2009
A festival to reflect the recessionary shitness of 2009:
We’re all used to the easy, cuddly crustiness of the “Irish Festival”. Flapping flags with little smiley suns and felt hats shaped like tulips. Oh how we love our drum circles and impromptu guitar sessions in the campsites.
Not any more brethren, you’re fucked now.
Welcome to the Official Festival of the Recession: Fucked-segen 2009.
Here at FKD Promotions, we want to help you express the raw fear and panic that this current year has instilled in your soul through a variety of hand chosen musical acts.
It’ll be a day long, noon ’til midnight.
There will be no stages, bands will emerge from random, custom built holes in the ground and drop from helicopters (please bear in mind this may result in some injury, you will be signing an extensive disclaimer at the entrance). This all adds to the unique, panicked feeling of Fucked-segen 2009. Imagine the rush of finding out a band has launched into action half a mile away, feel the wind rush through your hair as you stumble drunkenly across the fields, ankles twinging as you lunge into rabbit holes and traps. Nothing like it.
First up to start the day slowly we’ll have Norwegian purveyors of fine rock Combichrist. Fucked-segen takes place on my birthday so they’ll be singing their number one hit Happy Fucking Birthday to me.
And we’re expecting a guest appearance on this from Mr Mike Patton of Faith No More fame as he will sing an acoustic version of The Gentle Art of Making Enemies accompanied only by the harpist woman who sits near Trinity College with the flaming hair and ivory skin.
They”ll then be joined on stage by Enda Kenny who has secretly been training with rap collective Underground Resistance to get “in with the kids”.
He’ll combine his hilarious trademark phrase “Sign the Contract” with Combichrist’s catchy number What the Fuck is Wrong With You People?.
Next, falling from the sky in a hail of screams and bullets it’s Toto! Retro is the new black, EP can shove Flock of Seagulls because no-one does retro like Fucked-segen.
Cue a singalong to Rosanna, Africa and Mushanga. Ok, maybe not Mushanga .
Then welcome out of the ground, covered in dirt and faeces, Messrs. Hall and Oates. They will stunningly be joined on I can’t Go For That by Kíla. Bodhráns a-go-go to reflect the quickened heart rates of the drunk and newly unemployed audience.
No future? No bother!
Then a magical mid afternoon session with Dessie O Halloran and the Beastie Boys. If you haven’t yet heard of Dessie then go check him out now on the Youtube. Never have you seen the like. He embodies the soul of the bog. Dessie’s here to provide guest vocals on Sabotage, the dancing will probably be left to the Beasties though who are all wearing fetching tricolour shell suits and will only perform songs concerning Buddhism.
There will be a “country fair” element to the late afternoon’s proceedings where you can pelt the shittest bands of 2008-2009 with rotten fruit. Mundy, you’re up.
Freddie Mercury will make a brief appearance with David Bowie in the woodland area. They will re-enact Eugene O Neill’s shatteringly funny play Long Days Journey Into Night which runs on the comedic themes of broken homes, alcoholism, emigration and death.
This will culminate in a weeping version of Under Pressure with David clawing the earth and climbing the trees using skills learned from Cirque du Soleil.
As the sun sets we’ll welcome on stage Kraftwerk who will sit and play a selection of nursery rhymes, auf deutsch naturlich, on those tiny fisher price xylophones with the coloured keys. Little Miss Muffet gets a standing ovation every time!
And finally, we’ll welcome into the field the kids of the Langley Schools Music Project. Their haunting renditions of Space Oddity and Calling Occupants will leave you wide eyed and confused internally.
The final blow will be dealt by a 7 year old girl singing Desperado accompanied by an interpretative dance featuring Kate Bush.
You will finally realies that you have indeed been Fucked-sedised.
See you there.
Oh the beauty…
July 3, 2009
Glastonbury PicsSeeing as I have elected to write my M.A. dissertation on festival culture, that’s all I seem to be reading/writing about these days.
These photos from boston.com sum up the allure perfectly.
“Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” (Acts 2:38)
“And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.” (Isaiah 54:13)
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
It’s been a long few weeks since I’ve written. It has been a busy time for me and those around me but today my head and heart were filled with words. Perhaps impulsive and over emotional, but how else could I react to the revelations of yesterday’s Ryan Report?
I had known what was to come. I think we all did. As the editorial in the Irish Times today put it, “Mr Justice Ryan’s report does not suggest that this abuse was as bad as most of us suspected. It shows that it was worse.”
I cannot begin to understand the pain and continued torture suffered by those committed to the “care” of these bastards purporting to carry the banner of Jesus. I speak as a daughter of a mother who is so devoted to her life within the catholic faith that she can only talk about the church in the way one would discuss a family member who’s gotten on your bad side.She’ll slag them off but as soon as someone else joins in the slagging she’ll leap to the church’s defence.
I attempted to discuss the report with her today. She accepts its findings, to a point. I can understand her position to a certain extent. If she were to wholly entertain the findings her whole world would fall apart at her feet. She attends mass every day, she has lived in the shadow of priests her whole life. She was of a generation of women who were “churched”, a ritual during which the apparently sinless priest cleansed you of sin and impurity after you’d given birth. In the time period between giving birth and being churched, the new mother would sit in the “churching pew”, away from family and friends, marked out as an impure sinner.
I have tried to imagine what it was like for these children, these babies. I have mentally placed my 6 year old niece or my 2 year old nephew in their position and wondered what I would do if it was happening to them. At the end of the day i’m getting nowhere.
The continuous torture they suffered is so horrendous, so unimaginable that I am just left with a feeling of unease and a unyielding swell of anger.
I am not a parent but I spent a large part of today conversing with Sorcha. As well as being a gifted musician and all-round exemplary human being, Sorcha is mammy to a gorgeous daughter.
It is through Sorcha’s reaction that I began to understand. She pointed out that the Irish Examiner had extensive coverage of the report. I said I would go and buy it to which she replied “I couldn’t buy it. I know it sounds like I’m ignoring it but I just couldn’t cope with reading it. I don’t have the strength. Babies and children. Nobody to love them. I wish I could travel back and mother them and save them.”
That’s the key, isn’t it? That’s the first reaction, for parents or non-parents. The thought of hurting a child, let alone molesting a child, is enough to make anyone lose all control of their rational thought processes. How was this reaction absent from all the members of the religious orders involved? From the bishops who received complaints? From the Government ministers who knew what was going on? How could you hear about the torture of a baby and simply move the torturer into a new area, knowing he or she would do it again? What the fuck has happened in our country?
The Ryan Commission has proposed a memorial to the victims of the abuse which, to be honest, means fuck all unless they get a full, unreserved apology from all involved and convictions to boot. This memorial will bear the words:
“On behalf of the state, and all the citizens of the state, the Government wishes to make a sincere and long overdue apology to the victims of childhood abuse for our collective failure to intervene, to detect their pain, to come to their rescue”.
I cannot agree to this. Where is the apology from the people who allowed children to be raped, to be humiliated for skipping class or wetting the bed? It is not my crime. I am a citizen of this state but I am not part of this “collective failure”.
The Greenmount Industrial School is a few steps from my home in Cork City. When I spoke to my mother today I asked her if people knew what was going on. “Of course they did”, she said, “but sure weren’t we all beaten then?”.
It was then that the sadness hit me hardest. The failure is only on the part of the torturers who have ruined the any goodness the church had in Ireland and the Gardaí and politicians who did nothing about it.
They have failed those who were abused, in every way. They have failed my mother who thinks it was normal to be beaten to shit by those who were meant to look after you. And they have failed my generation for robbing us of any chance we had of having faith in an honourable church or an honourable government.
Peace be with all those who have waited so long for a justice that has yet to be served.
Would you like some techno with your chow mein?
March 2, 2009
“Eh, some chinese place, yeah…Techno?Yeah..”. Welcome to the clear and dignified world of a Saturday night ’round my gaff.
The first proposal following a handful of KP Big Nuts-Beef Flavour (Yes, they are a real food) involved mention of this legendary techno-in-a-Chinese scenario. Turns out it’s just as real as the peanuts dusted with beef powder we’d tentatively purchased earlier on that fateful day.
The night is run boy a man/boy named Ronayne. Please let it be pronounced with a really long “aaaayyyyyyy” sound. It takes place in The Melody Bar on Capel St, bleeps and doots upstairs, karaoke downstairs and the most heavenly restaurant decor to feast your soul upon whilst you boogie down in Chinatown.
Check out the details on thefacebook, or the general internet should provide answers also. It’s good like that.
And we’re back…
March 2, 2009
Dear Sirs,
Whilst I enjoyed my wholly unannounced and unplanned break from the blogosphere, I believe that these troubled times demand my return. Anyday now I expect to see a petrified dog turd to let us know once and for all that the celtic tiger’s dead and gone, he’s with O’ Leary in the grave.
Yours etc…
David Byrne is on his way. Glory be!
September 30, 2008
National Concert Hall, Dublin, 6th April 2009. €55.50-€61.50.
Waterfront Hall, Belfast, 7th April 2009. £40.00-£45.00.
Yessssss. I blogged earlier about Everything That Happens Will Happen Today, the new album by Byrne and Brian Eno. Unfortunately Mr. Eno won’t be putting in an appearance but it’ll be all eyes on David anyway so I’m sure we’ll be kept happy and ocularly occupied.
Tickets on sale on Friday morning, 3rd October. Probably through Ticketbastard. Buy them elsewhere if at all possible though, please.
One of the great things about going to a gig in the NCH in Dublin is when someone gets a bit too agile with a camera, the ushers will march down and flash a light directly into the face of the offender. Marvellous.
I’ll see you there.
Have a nosey at David’s new project, Playing the Building
News just in: A rare example of justice prevailing
September 30, 2008
In 1815, a peace treaty was signed between the U.K. and Nepal, alowing the recruitment of Nepalese soldiers to the British Army. The Nepalese recruits fought, were injured and died AS British soldiers. No distinction was ever drawn until they began to ask for something back for their participation in the Falklands, Iraq and Afghanistan, to name but a few.
The British Government’s stance, until today, was that any Ghurka discharged from service before 1997 had no right to remain in the U.K. Their reasoning was that following the handover of Hong Kong (where the Ghurka Headquarters were based), only Ghurkas discharged after this date had a legitimate right to residency in the U.K. as the Ghurka Headquarters were moved following the handover.
To qualify for settlement rights if you were discharged prior to 1997, you had to have served in the U.K. for three consecutive years. It was not sufficient to have fought on the side of the U.K. abroad. So these people were in genuine warzones dying for a country that would not give them a home when they returned, often crippled.
The Guardian states that between 7,000 and 10,000 Ghurkas are expected to settle in the U.K following the success of the case. For many it is too late as they have died pending the outcome of this shambolic trial.
It must be made absolutely clear that the U.K. Home Secretary held the discretion to admit a Ghurka if they had “a chronic, long-term medical condition where treatment would significantly improve their quality of life”. I’m not a doctor but I reckon the two guys below would benefit from the odd check up and ‘flu’ jab (FYI, Joanna Lumley’s in there ‘cos her Da’ served in a Ghurka Brigade).
It doesn’t state they need a terminal illness, just a “chronic and long-term medical illness”. I’d argue that one on the basis of them having fought in wars and now being wheelchair-ridden.
Justice Blake in the High Court ruled that the Ghurkas “were treated unlawfully and the policy used to reject them was misleading”.
It’s heartening to see even one Judge level his thoughts with “normal people” but it’s shocking to see such technicolour abuse of people’s lives and loyalty by a government.
Funding Chris Morris’s mentalism
September 26, 2008
Chris Morris, spouter of magical satire, is on the road again. He’s been working on a comedy series based around the lives of suicide bombers but the series has been rejected. No big surprise there, it’s not exactly Last of the Summer Wine territory.
Good news though, producers at Warpfilm have picked it up and it’s heading for the big screen. Due to the “sensitive” nature of the content they need some cash on board from open minded folk and are calling for submissions. Read the following from Popbitch.co.uk…(note the picture attached is of an American kid dressed as a suicide bomber for Hallowe’en, inspirational)
Turn terrorism comedy into movie
We told you that Chris Morris' terror cell
comedy had been rejected by a fearful Channel 4
and BBC. It seems they have a history of
this. Muslim comedian Omar Mazouk was to
present a mockumentary about misguided
suicide bombers for BBC but this was also
nixed. He took the idea to a TV network in
Denmark instead, where it's getting rave reviews.
And putting two fingers up to TV commissioners,
Morris is turning his Jihadi sitcom into a
film. He's got producers at Warpfilm and a
distributor. All he needs now is enough money
to make the film. Which is where we come in.
Popbitch readers donating between 25 and 100
quid to help get the film made will get the
chance to be in it. So get out your cheque book
and burkha and email:
fundingmentalism@warpfilms.com
Patrick Bateman doing jazz hands?
September 26, 2008
Well, not quite.
The Johnson-Roessler production company is putting the musical touch to the novel, which apparently is still sold in secure wrapping with an 18 sticker on it in New Zealand.
It will feature a mix of original music and hits from the ’80s. It could go either way. Once they don’t get some kind of ex-Billy Barry/Nathan Lane type spotlight hogger I’d be willing to have a gander. It’s been rumoured that I once watched Les Miserables and may have enjoyed it.
Link to the Reuters report.
