I know I shouldn’t expect a lot from a magazine that splits its readers into the following categories:
But, I still hold out hope that there is a basic sense of cop-on that stops women from telling other women to be afraid of being, well, human. That at this stage in human development and feminism that we don’t have to sit and listen to bullshit about the fear of doing the wrong thing by a man. Please your partner, by all means. Be kind and loving and do your best to keep a happy home, but don’t be bending over backwards to be Anne of Green Fucking Gables to keep some mythical idea of a man happy.
Anyway, this Australian magazine, Body & Soul, hasn’t quite grasped this yet and has published the following list of key pieces of advice to help you keep YOUR MAN happy. Jesus. Oh, and it’s written by a man. Thanks David. Us and our vaginas would be lost without you.
1) “If the only possession of his at your house is a tooth-brush and a t-shirt from the Sydney Olympics, he’s ready to check out at any time.”
He has a t-shirt from the Sydney Olympics as his only portable nightshirt? Right. I don’t think you have to be worried about you being the weakest link in this relationship, lady pal.
2) “Believe it or not, men care about satisfying their partners. If he’s only getting off on getting off, you might as well save that waxing money for someone who deserves it.”
You are wasting that waxing money girlfriend! Mother of God, you could be spending it on caipirinhas and mani-pedis whilst waiting for the perfect man who will truly appreciate your perfectly waxed Barbie-mound of a pelvic region. Pull yourself together for Christ’s sake.
3) “If his family seem conveniently and constantly away, on the other side of the country or saving souls at a mission in Africa, he is shielding them from you. Because, you don’t matter enough to him to do the whole meet the prospective in-laws thing.”
You are shagging Kofi Annan or a reticent member of the Westboro Baptist Church.
4) “In other words, you’re that girl who might be up for stuff that he wouldn’t want his wife to be into. Yes, this attitude is hypocritical and insulting, but that doesn’t make it any less true. “
Wives ONLY do missionary. Nothing else. Don’t you dare point anything untoward in his direction or you will be discarded into No Man’s Land where all the slags live.
5) “Yes, it’s all about the gesture, yadda, yadda, yadda but if he’s killing two birds with one stone by filling up and bringing the romance, chances are the second matter is one of convenience. Ditto anything but a handwritten card on a significant occasion. I mean, how hard is it to go into a newsagent for someone you apparently care for?”
If he gets you flowers AND buys petrol at the same time, your existence on this earth is futile. Don’t allow yourself to consider the fact that you just have an efficient and practical partner. You are fucked, lady. And not in a good way.
6) “You’ve seen his body right? You probably like it. Well, he’s not so sure how the next woman in his life might feel so he’s getting started on the renos now.”
So he is going to the gym. You think he wants to improve himself for you? Don’t be ridiculous you fat, mad cow. He is buffing up to meet a lithe lady. Health concerns do not factor in the world of Body & Soul.
7) “When a man loves a woman he will sit through her favourite shows. Fact. As soon as you become a two-telly relationship, he will spend his ad breaks thinking how cool it would be to find a woman who likes monster trucks as much as he does. AKA The One.”
How many times have you been told this? Start liking Monster Trucks or live a barren, lonely life. Jesus Christ, it’s not that hard.
8) “If he even mentions “the kind of man you deserve”, be prepared for an imminent break up speech which will centre on how amazing you are. Read: for someone else.”
All men lie horribly in a sugar-coated sickly manner. The Gospel according to Body & Soul.
9) “When you no longer hear that “you’re so much hotter than Annie/Karen/Mark”, chances are he is considering his next step.”
Fuck. He has STOPPED comparing you to his partners’ women? You are in deep shit my friend. Get your tits out and start liking Monster Trucks before it’s too late.
10) “If you have been dating more than a year and you still can’t use the phrase “moving in together” without his eyes widening to saucers and sweat beading on his top lip, he ain’t ever gonna be ready.”
Right, if you are going out with some Hanna Barbera cartoon character who only responds in eye widening or narrowing then you should be having a word with yourself anyway. Next.