Bottoms up

It’s been a long time since I wore a bikini. They’re not the most practical of ensembles on a beach (too much sand, and it’s impolite to readjust one’s wedgie in front of a viewing audience) and so I usually stick to a solid one-piece, better for diving and lazing and all manner of things you’d usually do on a sunny shore. But this year, I’m heading to the scorching hot, white-and-blue terraced steppes of the Greek islands, and decided I wanted to go all out. I eat right, I pay my taxes, I ain’t never shot a man in Reno, so I’m pretty sure I get to wear a bikini in climates where it’s so hot you can’t tell where your face ends and the sun begins, even if I’m not of Taylor Swiftian proportions.

If you’re not a woman over size 10 (or about a 38 or for the Europeans), it can be hard to understand the constant see-saw of thoughts that are set in motion when you begin to contemplate showing flesh in public. I’m not an unconfident person; I can attend a party solo, have commandeered the odd set of decks in order to do an interpretive dance to Fleetwood Mac, and I don’t have any huge hang-ups about my arse, but I still can’t shake that niggling feeling of not being sample size when it comes to outdoor outings. Today, to take advantage of sale season, I started looking for some bits of string to cover up the essentials on holiday and found the following pictures:

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 22.52.06

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 22.51.43.png

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 22.51.31

This is not a post about skinny shaming. It is not a post slagging off women who have prominent hip bones or thigh gaps or six-packs. All women are beautiful, unless they’re total arseholes, in which case they’re not that beautiful, but on a plainly aesthetic level all women are equal. What made me feel so unsettled was that when I saw a woman who was “normal” after all the hundreds of airbrushed, thigh-gapped women, I felt a shock and it made me feel so awful to think that somehow in that brief period of searching for something and finding only objectified perfection, I had lost a sense of diversity and reality in the presentation of the female body. When I saw these bodies, that represent most bodies and most definitely fall into the representation of my body, I felt, well, a little unnerved. Should they be showing that? What will people think if I go on a beach looking like that? Shouldn’t they – and I – cover up a bit more?

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 22.54.44

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 22.54.57

I’m a 5′ 10″, size 14, and the sight of a woman in the same realm as me made me immediately feel like I should wrap a sarong around me and duck under the nearest sun lounger. What a crock of shit our concept of fashion campaigns is. This post is only about basic photography, it doesn’t even cover the much murkier depths of higher level advertising, where extreme thinness and unreality are the norm, but I just felt I had to post something for my pals and others who might feel the same way.

We have wobbly bits, several wobbly bits, despite exercise and healthy eating and all the things we’re “supposed” to do, and I’m fully reclaiming all those wobbly bits now. I’m sticking a little flag in them, I’m the Neil Armstrong of my very own Lunar landscape and I’m going to appreciate how fucking flawless those women look in their Curve or Plus-size or whatever other euphemistically named bikinis they’re wearing, and feel fucking thrilled that I have a body that can take me to a beach, that can dive me under the water and bring me back to the surface and roll around in warm sand like the Little fucking Mermaid when she gets her legs, although that wasn’t entirely a picnic for poor Ariel either, let’s be fair.

I hate that it made me second-guess myself, but I love that I went ahead and bought 4 of the things anyway. Thighs: Prepare yourselves. Ass: Your day is nigh. Stomach: Your tour of duty approaches. We’re off to see the world, and a grand old time we’ll have too.

Advertisements

11 Headlines That Perfectly Illustrate How Much The Daily Mail Hates Women. Haaates Them. Eww. Christ. Imagine Being A Woman. Ugh.

Every day I do something horrible, reprehensible, disgusting and demeaning. I check the Daily Mail website. I tell myself that it’s because they have faster updates on news than any other website, even though their take on said news is usually preposterously skewed, but there are many sad, shitty nights where I’ve sat and browsed the beautifully named “Femail” section of the site, which mainly consists of women vilely slagging off other women and CAPS LOCK HEADLINES ABOUT CELLULITE. I ain’t doing it anymore. No morbid fascination for stunningly vapid journalism will drag me there. The following 11 headlines will be my strength and my shield. The Daily Mail hates many people, but these are just some of the ways in which it has shown that it really fucking hates women.

1)

Screen Shot 2014-12-28 at 11.20.35 PM

The time they made a hilarious comparison between a sex offender and a dude from Anchorman. It’s really a stunning feat as a journalist to receive information that a man has committed a sexual offence and to have “Fuck me, that guy is the IMAGE of that fella from Anchorman!” as your first reaction and then actually turn it into your story angle.

2)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.23.30 PM

The time they warned you about your tricksy periodses. Don’t worry though love, you’re just out of your fucking mind on PMS and nothing’s actually happening at all. That’s the good news.

3)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.49.45 PM

The time they said that maybe your periodses weren’t so tricksy after all, and that you shouldn’t dare ask your boss for anything without consulting your “menstrual diary”. I love my menstrual diary. It’s made from the womb lining I shed every month and is decorated with pubic hair.

4)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.50.52 PM

The time they completely changed their fucking mind again. Obviously this was written by a woman off her face on her period.

5)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.53.24 PM

The time they announced that women are manipulative, bleeding liars.

6)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.57.45 PM

The time they told you that in order to be admirably thin, you should wear a suit that makes you “clench your entire body while waiting for the pain to subside.”

7)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.58.15 PM

The time that their “EXCLUSIVE” story revealed the shocking fact that fat people are capable of having a good ride despite their hideous fleshiness getting in the way.

8)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.58.32 PM

The time that the headline was missing a word and yet still managed to be completely fucking condescending. Also, I love that they used a banana muffin as the control.

9) 

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 10.59.29 PM

BECAUSE YOU FUCKING BULLY US INTO MADNESS ON OCCASION.

10) 

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 11.09.57 PM

LOL.

11)

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 11.10.11 PM

The time that they said that big jobs were too much for our little fanny brains to cope with and that with great power comes a higher risk of dementia.

And with that, i’m out. I love the world and its womanliness too much to be contributing clicks to articles like this that just beget even worse pieces of shit.

The wrong person for the job

If you scan through earlier sections of this blog you’ll notice my substantial contempt for Sky News. The contempt extends to rolling news channels in general but, as a lowly NTL basic subscriber, I’m faced with Sky News more than any other culprit.

The incident I wish to draw attention to happened back in February but I’m a newcomer to Blogs and so didn’t have this channel of communication open to me.

Kay Burley, born in 1960, has been a journalist since the age of 17. She has worked for the Wigan Evening Post and Chronicle, TV-am and Sky One. She joined Sky News in 1988 and notoriously stated on the 11th of September 2001 that “the entire eastern seabord of the United States has been decimated by a terrorist attack”. She loves backgammon and ceroc dancing (according to an Independent Q&A).

Kay is a disgrace. She has been held aloft as a Sky anchor following horrendously bad judgements during interviews and reports. Take the above 11th September incident. But, most importantly, look at the attached video.

Kay was interviewing Pamela Wright, the partner of Steve Wright who was convicted of murdering five women in Ipswich in 2006. The interview begins with speculative questioning relating to the disappearance of Suzy Lamplugh in 1984. Following on from this line of questioning, Kay drops the bomb.

She explains to the grieving, devastated Ms Wright how Steve Wright “blamed his need for prostitutes in (sic) a non-existent love life”. You know where this is going…

“Do you think if you’d had a better sex life, he wouldn’t have done this?”

Well strike me down with a feather! Maybe I should start putting out more. Oh Christ, it’ll send the other half on a strangling, raping, drugging rampage if I don’t get my knickers down more often. Sexual frustration does lead to murderous tendencies on a grand and complex scale, shit, I forgot! Thanks Kay! You’ve saved the life of some women in my locality, hats off to you.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/video/UK-News/Serial-Killers-Girlfriend-Talks-To-Sky/Video/200802414184103?lpos=UK%2BNews_3&lid=VIDEO_14184103_Serial%2BKiller%2527s%2BGirlfriend%2BTalks%2BTo%2BSky